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2017 Maui IIT Reflections

11/11/17

It is difficult to understand NVC without first opening up to the place of vulnerability. That word vulnerable has two meanings for me; one from a place of acceptance within yourself and an openness to explore reasons. Without this openness of being vulnerable NVC would just be a word or a concept for me, and not a practice.

11/12/17

One of our facilitators shared with the group that we cannot show true empathy (verbal and nonverbal) and self-expression in a healthy manner without understanding our connection to self. When we can truly connect internally to our own feelings and needs, we can then listen for and reflect on the other person’s needs and feelings (empathy). When we are connected to the self, we know how to request our own feelings and needs.

by Nalani Cleveland

father-and-son-making-amendsApplying the Lessons with Instant Results

“At an NVC parenting class I recently attended, I had the opportunity to go over an exchange that I had with my two year old son. The exchange with my son had left me feeling frustrated and sad, as well as at a loss for how to deal with his refusal to cooperate with me in the morning.

I just wanted a way to work together with my son that was respectful, and effective at getting him dressed!

After reviewing the scenario with the trainer, we then created a redo of the exchange to look at what I could try doing differently. I then “tried on” the idea of checking in with myself before reaching the boiling point of my frustration. I would simply pause to see what my own needs were in that moment.  In this process I was able to identify what was really important to me in the situation. I then reflected on what needs were being unmet for me (the actual cause of my frustration), and what was really going on for my son, what was motivating him.

It was suggested that I also take a moment to notice that he was in fact only playing a game, and connecting with where he was at. In this case I could say, ” Ah, seems like you are having a fun game right now?”

He was playing his “you cant get me game”, and I was needing to take care of myself and feeling unable to.
My frustration began melting in the realization that underlying my need for cooperation, was my need for my son’s and my own well being, i.e.; getting him dressed warmly, and myself fed.

I took this practice home and tried applying it right away, my son noticed a difference in my approach and our level of cooperation, and even more importantly to me, our level of connection improved tremendously!  All of this shifted in mere moments. It turns out, cooperation and respect are only possible when both of us are feeling connection first.”

by Joy Parker-Brown, NVCnextgen Parenting Class attendee

restorativejustice-circleMy Restorative Practices Playshop Experience

This past weekend, Jim and Jori Manske put on a playshop on Restorative Solutions and Nonviolent Communication. That was December 9, 10 and 11th.

It was a great experience and I furthered my knowledge and depth of empathy practice. We had a wonderful mock restorative justice circle on Sunday to end, and it was great to see how justice can come about with connection and understanding and empathy are the values instead of blame and punishment.

I so long for this model to be used where I live, so that we can have more peace and connection, and smaller and smaller prisons and a safer and safer community.  I encourage you to take us up on our offer to do Nonviolent Communication seminars, restorative seminars, for an evening, a day or a weekend, for your group.

By Genesis Young, MD, NVCnextgen’s co-founder
December 14, 2016

2004, 2018

Update from Beijing; by Jim Manske

By | April 20th, 2018|Categories: Compassionate Communication, Needs Awareness, Nonviolent Communication, Social and Emotional Learning|Comments Off on Update from Beijing; by Jim Manske

Warm aloha from chilly China! Savoring our workshop last weekend in Hong Kong gives me the sweet taste of connection and a deeper understanding of how powerful NVC can be to knit connection. About 35 [...]

904, 2018

Update from Hong Kong; By Jim Manske

By | April 9th, 2018|Categories: Nonviolent Communication, Self-Empathy, Social and Emotional Learning|Comments Off on Update from Hong Kong; By Jim Manske

Hong Kong is like island living on steroids.  Surrounded by familiar tropical flora like ti trees and hibiscus flowers, the energy of the city vibrates with the constant background buzz of construction.  The skyline is [...]

904, 2018

Fear

By | April 9th, 2018|Categories: Compassionate Communication, Empathy Development, Needs Awareness, Self-Empathy|Comments Off on Fear

Walking quickly and alone along a wooded path at the conference center, I heard heavy footsteps and I felt a stab of fear.  I looked up to see a deer about 20 feet away on [...]

1903, 2018

Infinite Possibility and Unimpeded Hope: NVC in Practice by Aubree Moon

By | March 19th, 2018|Categories: Classes, Compassionate Communication, Conflict resolution, Conflict Resolution Tools, Empathy Development, Needs Awareness, Nonviolent Communication|Comments Off on Infinite Possibility and Unimpeded Hope: NVC in Practice by Aubree Moon

Studying Nonviolent Communication in this dynamic blend of internship and academic study has deepened my understanding and proficiency with communication and self-awareness. The element of being a part of a community that values and actively [...]

1203, 2018

Greater Self Empathy through Somatic Realizations by Aubree Moon

By | March 12th, 2018|Categories: Empathy Development, Needs Awareness, Nonviolent Communication, NVC, Self-Empathy, Social and Emotional Learning|Comments Off on Greater Self Empathy through Somatic Realizations by Aubree Moon

This week I had a somatic realization in relation to self-empathy. My partner and I had been talking and the conversation led us to both become slightly triggered. It was a mild upset, but we [...]

503, 2018

“The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!  Jim Manske Certified Trainer for The Center for Nonviolent Communication

By | March 5th, 2018|Categories: NVC, NVC NextGen, Parenting Classes, Peer Mediation, Self-Empathy, Uncategorized|Comments Off on “The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!  Jim Manske Certified Trainer for The Center for Nonviolent Communication

“The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!   “Know what you want before you open your mouth.”  -Marshall Rosenberg, developer of Nonviolent Communication The Story of the [...]

Update from Beijing; by Jim Manske

April 20th, 2018|Comments Off on Update from Beijing; by Jim Manske

Warm aloha from chilly China! Savoring our workshop last weekend in Hong Kong gives me the sweet taste of connection and a deeper understanding of how powerful NVC can be to knit connection. About 35 [...]

Update from Hong Kong; By Jim Manske

April 9th, 2018|Comments Off on Update from Hong Kong; By Jim Manske

Hong Kong is like island living on steroids.  Surrounded by familiar tropical flora like ti trees and hibiscus flowers, the energy of the city vibrates with the constant background buzz of construction.  The skyline is [...]

Fear

April 9th, 2018|Comments Off on Fear

Walking quickly and alone along a wooded path at the conference center, I heard heavy footsteps and I felt a stab of fear.  I looked up to see a deer about 20 feet away on [...]

Infinite Possibility and Unimpeded Hope: NVC in Practice by Aubree Moon

March 19th, 2018|Comments Off on Infinite Possibility and Unimpeded Hope: NVC in Practice by Aubree Moon

Studying Nonviolent Communication in this dynamic blend of internship and academic study has deepened my understanding and proficiency with communication and self-awareness. The element of being a part of a community that values and actively [...]

Greater Self Empathy through Somatic Realizations by Aubree Moon

March 12th, 2018|Comments Off on Greater Self Empathy through Somatic Realizations by Aubree Moon

This week I had a somatic realization in relation to self-empathy. My partner and I had been talking and the conversation led us to both become slightly triggered. It was a mild upset, but we [...]

“The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!  Jim Manske Certified Trainer for The Center for Nonviolent Communication

March 5th, 2018|Comments Off on “The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!  Jim Manske Certified Trainer for The Center for Nonviolent Communication

“The Zero Step:  What we do before we open our mouths influences what happens next!   “Know what you want before you open your mouth.”  -Marshall Rosenberg, developer of Nonviolent Communication The Story of the [...]

  • United Hands

On Needs by Jim Manske

February 26th, 2018|Comments Off on On Needs by Jim Manske

For me, the word “need” (as a noun)  points to the essential, intrinsic energy that impels movement toward survival and thriving within living organisms.  In other words, the power that motivates all behaviors. Essential means [...]

NVC in Action: Relationship Dynamics by Aubree Moon

February 20th, 2018|Comments Off on NVC in Action: Relationship Dynamics by Aubree Moon

  This past week, I had a conflict come up with my partner as we were going to sleep. I was feeling sad, and my sadness triggered his anger. He said something to that effect, [...]

The Potential of Mourning Integrity by Aubree Moon

February 14th, 2018|Comments Off on The Potential of Mourning Integrity by Aubree Moon

Week four of my internship with NVC NextGen is coming to a close, and there are many wonderful moments of learning to reflect on. After attending the last two NVC practice groups, I had experiences [...]

Let it RAIN! -Jim Manske CNVC Certified Trainer

February 5th, 2018|Comments Off on Let it RAIN! -Jim Manske CNVC Certified Trainer

For me, remembering the distinction between needs and strategies supports well-being because it goes to the root of suffering.  To clarify what I mean, consider this example I heard at a recent workshop:  “When I [...]

empathy-stories_coverGreetings, Friends,

We are excited to announce Empathy Stories, edited by Mary Goyer, has been released just in time for the holidays.  This inspiring book of “real life” empathy written by NVC trainers and others, includes 3 stories by Jim.

Please enjoy a copy and give one as a gift AND Amazon donates through Amazon Smile to

Jim and Jori

heart-in-hands

November 24, 2016

Greetings friends,

And warm wishes on this national holiday of gratitude!

To support peace and connection this Thanksgiving, please consider these tips for navigating your celebration with peace.

1. Start with gratitude! (Details below!)
2. Empathy before Education. Consider reflecting what is important to the speaker before educating them on your view. For example:

Guest A says: “I’m so happy Trump was elected! Now we can get our country back!”
You respond: “So, for you, you are feeling hopeful that the results of the election will help our citizens?”
Guest A says: Yeah!
You say, “Thank you! For me, I feel ____________________, because ________________ is important to me! I imagine you share that value as well! How do you feel hearing that?” Then, back to “Empathy Ears”!

3. At the end of the day, consider ending with gratitude and a celebration of our connection. “I’m so grateful that we had this opportunity to share some time together. It met my needs for community, celebration, and inspiration!”

And here’s some specific tips on sharing and receiving gratitude in a powerful way.

Expressing Gratitude

Compliments are often judgments – however positive – of others, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others. With a compliment we are telling someone what they did right as opposed to wrong. Both are judgments and are life-alienating statements. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.

Three Components of Appreciation:
What specifically did someone do that made your life more wonderful?;
What need(s) were satisfied?
How do you feel right now as you consider the fulfillment of those needs?

Sometimes when we offer appreciation and gratitude like this, people feel shocked and surprised to hear it, so its recommended that we add a request asking for a reflection back of what was just expressed. “How do you feel hearing that from me?”

Example: Observation — Sam and Tina spent 3 weeks creating the surprise birthday party for Laura. They made call after phone call and tracked down her friends to invite them to share in the fun. Laura was surprised.

Consider the difference between:
Laura: “Gee, thank you Sam and Tina. I want to compliment you on a great party.”
With NVC: Laura: “Sam and Tina, I’m so grateful (feeling) to both of you for putting this surprise together for me (what they did). It has been so much fun (need). I really enjoyed (feeling) seeing and connecting (need) with all my friends and cannot remember having so many of them all in the same place at the same time. You’ve really contributed to my life and made my birthday special. For this I am grateful.

Receiving Appreciation and/or Gratitude
When we receive appreciation expressed in this way, we can do so without any feeling of superiority or false humility by celebrating along with the person who is offering the appreciation. Kelly Bryson, in his book, Don’t Be Nice, Be Real, says, “If we do not need approval, then what do we do when others compliment us? Compliments are one of the great joys in life and are an important way of learning about how we are affecting others.” He suggests:

When you receive a “compliment” from someone, consider asking:
What you said or did that they are reacting to
What needs were met by this (or empathize to discover this)
What feelings s/he is having about this

If you were a contractor, someone might say, “Great job on the plaster!”
You might respond with, “Wonderful, what did you like about what I did?”

Listen for needs met in their response and check them out. You hear, “Well, you got everything done in the time you said you would, the color matches perfectly, and you cleaned up when you were done!”

Now ask or empathize to discover what feelings they are having about getting that need(s) met. “Are you grateful that the work got done with ease, and that your hopes for beauty have been realized and that order has been restored?” by Jim Manske @ radicalcompassion.com


Contact NVCnextgen with any questions, inquiries or feedback at:
1) by mail: 53 Palulu Way, Haiku, HI 96708
2) by phone: 808-575-5301
3) by email:  info@NVCnextgen.org

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