NVC News | Nonviolent Communication for the Next Generation

September 24 2018

Being Present with Feelings; by Jim Manske

nvcnextgen Classes, Compassionate Communication, Conflict resolution, Conflict Resolution Skills, Conflict Resolution Tools, Empathy Development, Social and Emotional Learning

I remember the first time I saw a kaleidoscope. I felt awed by the ever-changing, unique patterns that materialized and disappeared as I manipulated it. I felt entranced by the beauty and complexity, joyfully astonished at the seemingly inﬁnite variety of temporary pattern and color. I still feel excited when I see kaleidoscopes!

When I started teaching NVC, I used a kaleidoscope as a metaphor for the ever-changing, dynamic nature of our human responses, our feelings. When something happens in the world, it stimulates us in our bodies. Something arises within us, our subjective experience of physical sensations and emotions. These signals give us vital information about the current state of our needs.

Developing an ever-increasing awareness of feelings, as well as a vocabulary to describe how we feel, supports both self-connection and connecting with others. We can develop descriptions of our inner landscape to support us in understanding our own needs and communicating our requests to others. This expanded inner awareness also supports us in empathy as we realize that feelings can be pointers to Needs.

We generally experience pleasurable feelings as easy to be with (e.g. happy, content, satisﬁed, relaxed); but, painful feelings can be challenging! Learning to stay present and observational during painful emotions stretches our capacity and goes against the grain of a deeply habitual reaction to automatically move away from pain. This seems like a common experience among all people and other living beings. Sometimes it even saves us from more pain to move away! This deeply adaptive response is hooked to our very survival!

It’s easy for me to connect to the fear of experiencing certain feelings in myself or others. For example, it’s still a challenge for me to stay present in the face of anger directed toward me or the suffering of someone I’m close to because of my habitual fearful or sympathetic reactions. I’m learning to increase my presence to that kind of strong emotion by sharpening my intention to observe what is happening and to connect to the meaning of the feeling. I’m also learning to coach myself to stay present by gently challenging the assumption that experiencing a feeling can permanently damage me or others.

Once, I had developed an expectation that Jori and I would go out on a date together, celebrating at a local restaurant. When the time for the date arrived, our life circumstances had shifted and other pressing requests caused us to change our plans. I felt disappointment. As we talked about this together, a wave of emotion arose within me. I could also notice how much I wanted to move away from this strong, painful reaction.

Instead of following this old habit to move away, to ﬁnd some balm or mask for the pain, I excused myself and went to just sit on my meditation pillow, curious to see how deep these feelings would go if I allowed myself permission to explore them with Presence. I noticed the pain ebbing and ﬂowing, tears welling, crying, disappointment, annoyance…my emotional experience shifted to a monologue of life’s parade of disappointments, how I “always” “had to” give up my needs for others, how I “never” got what I wanted! This suffering mutated into a seething stew of resentment and anger.

Suddenly, I contacted a deeper level of sadness. Sitting in the sadness, I cried. Soon, the sobbing quieted, my mind stilled, and an openness in my heart awakened. And all that in about 5 minutes! Wow, what an eye-opener that was for me.

Of course, I felt sad! So often, humans feel the sting of things not going the way they expect! Of course, we hurt when this happens!

When I remind myself that feelings are transient, usually lasting for 40 seconds or less, I feel open, relaxed, and alert. As I open to the present experience of emotion within me or alive in others, I am learning to cultivate wonder, focusing my attention on the meaning of the signal represented by the feeling. This awareness supports me in an opening to the quality of connection that inspires compassionate giving and receiving.

September 10 2018

N>N>N>N Four Skills of Self-Empathy; by Jim Manske

nvcnextgen Compassionate Communication, Conflict resolution, Empathy Development, Self-Empathy, Social and Emotional Learning

Notice

Name

Need

Now

Here’s a quick self-empathy tool you can try, an homage to the 14th letter of the English alphabet, the letter N.

1. Notice. Notice what’s happening, right now. You can notice anything, and it can contribute to self-reflection and self-understanding.

You can notice a feeling, especially a feeling of separateness. You may notice a wish for space between you and another, You may notice a feeling of constriction in the body. You may notice something in the world that calls you to become more alert. Or you may notice a thought, for example, blame, criticism, the urge to punish, or a demand.

Various forms of mindfulness help to heighten our acuity in noticing. For example, traditional mantra-style meditation can contribute to more awareness of thinking, a meal enjoyed in silence may increase our awareness of flavors and aromas, or loving-kindness meditation may enhance our capability to feel our feelings.

NVC, for me, has become a mindfulness toolbox, each moment inviting me to notice my direct experience. Each component of NVC calls me to Presence: Observing the World, Feeling the Body, Attending to Needs and tuning into to intuitions and Requests. What do you notice, right now?

2. Name. Naming what you notice gives you perspective and creates a witnessing distance between yourself and thoughts, feelings, or the world of objects. Naming also calms the nervous system, engaging parts of the brain less likely to continue reacting in a life-alienated way. You can experiment with different levels of granularity about your naming, ranging from the vague, “something’s happening” to the concrete specifics of a sensory-rich observation: “the breeze is blowing across my moist skin. I notice a chill.”

3. Need. This skill emerges from a combination of the other two. I notice a feeling. I name it “discomfort in my belly.” I notice the clock. The clock reports it’s 12:30 pm. I notice the thought, “lunchtime!” Considering what I notice and what I name, I check further with a gentle inquiry. What is this feeling telling me is important? Ahhh, the discomfort is hunger. I need sustenance! This noticing a feeling, naming it, and linking the feeling to a need tends to foster self-compassion. With practice, we deepen our understanding that our needs make us human, and that these needs connect us within our human family. We all share the same needs. Thus, self-compassion breeds compassion. And compassion can lead to action…

4. Now! Naming, Noticing and acknowledging Needs brings us to Presence. In this moment, we can choose from a menu of options about how we would like to respond to the need(s) we have identified. This helps us to foster self-connection and intuition as well as self-responsibility and self-empowerment. I go to the refrigerator, I open the door, I scan the options, I make a choice, and then I make something to eat.

Now that you have read this, what will you do? How can you practice these four skills of self-empathy, right now?

September 5 2018

Compassion & Empathy; By Jaya Manske

nvcnextgen Compassionate Communication, Conflict resolution, Conflict Resolution Skills, Empathy Development, Self-Empathy, Social and Emotional Learning

There is a cost to compassion and empathy. When everything, all your love, all your care, all your passion is extended outward, there is an exhaustion that sets in slowly and lightly, and then eventually so heavy it’s hard to move.

Remember to turn some of that compassion inward.

One of the most profound moments for me was about a year and a half ago, right after trump took office. In the middle of the night, I woke up with such tremendous gratitude for the self-empathy practice I had set out to strengthen a year before

A year before I had said to myself “I am tired of the way you speak to me, and I am tired of always being last.” I had realized that, even though I had left my abusive relationship 10 years earlier, I was still in one…with myself. And I became determined to *love the woman in the mirror*.

It is hard in a world that has told us loving ourselves is bad- “you’ll get too big for your britches,” “you’ll develop an ego,” “you’ll become full of yourself,” “you’ll forget about other people.”

The last one is the doozy for a loving, open-hearted, caring soul. Life is spent filling in the gaps it seems so few are willing to fill. Loving and fighting for the people who are on the fringes, at risk of being forgotten. Giving, giving, giving. And the last thing I wanted was to forget *that* love. Because that love is where my *humanity* lives. My capacity for empathy is what kept and keeps me knowing I am alive and in relationship to the world. So I spent a lifetime believing I could not love me and everyone else at the same time. So I chose all of you, and all of those who do not know me.

In that moment 2.5 years ago, I pivoted. I thought to myself “even if it takes until I am 70 years old, this pursuit is worth it. I will find a way to love me, too.”

Just one year later, on this evening, I felt an awakening in me. For the first time, perhaps shockingly to some of you reading, I realized I in the midst of the interconnection I see in humanity and all living things, I also exist. I am a *part* of that interconnected whole. It was a spiritual awakening – in which I realized the truth of the words “if all beings are deserving of love, so am I” that I so desperately wanted to believe in.

So while compassion and empathy can have a cost, when we include ourselves and surround ourselves by others who speak the language of the heart and are interested in love, care, connection, equality, etc., it doesn’t have to break us. In fact, it can fortify. Love is bigger than we are. It is an ever replenishing resource when it is flowing in and flowing out at the same time. There is enough for me and for you, it is not a choice between the two. I would argue that living without this love, without this empathy and compassion, I would be stripping myself of my essence and my humanity. And that, I cannot live without, but I have had to learn to live with it.

Jaya Manske is the founder and owner of Coaching Compassion, and a Certified Mindfulness and Wellness Coach

Her individualized approach to coaching draws from the fields of positive psychology, interpersonal neurobiology, somatics, mindfulness, developmental and attachment theories, Nonviolent Communication and more. Her warm presence has supported clients to have significant breakthroughs, to transform from the inside out, and move forward powerfully.

If you wish to share your thoughts on this piece or are interested in learning more about coaching with Jaya, you can contact her by emailing her at coachingcompassion@gmail.com or filling out a contact form on her website at www.coaching-compassion.com