Judgment and Insight

In my experience, I almost always judge a person or situation because I would judge myself in the same way if I behaved that way.

For example, in the culture I grew up in, it was considered impolite to interrupt, that is, to begin speaking before another person finishes.

So, I have created lots of suffering because not everyone was raised in the post-antebellum south. I would judge (and still do sometimes) others who interrupt me or others.

Likewise, when I notice (or another points out) that I have interrupted, I become my own harshest critic.

NVC helps me to soften both judgment and self-judgment by helping me to understand that all behaviors are motivated by needs. Thus, I can humanize “the interruptor”, guessing about their needs to be heard, for connection, for empathy, for engagement. I may not agree with their strategy. I do understand the human, universal needs that motivate their behavior which softens my judgment.

Likewise, when I discover my own behavior, I can meet myself with warmth and connect to the needs I was hoping to meet by interrupting, and from that self-empathy choose how I want to proceed, from now on. This has helped me to develop both patience and discernment. Now I see that the most needs meeting behavior sometimes is to start speaking before another finishes, and that is true for others as well. (Discenrment). I also have learned to appreciate my southern culture and patiently await another finishing if my intuition tells me that will meet the most needs at the least cost.

President, Network for NVC www.networkfornvc.org (a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization)