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Why does NVC focus on direct experience rather than creating a new belief system? By Jim Manske

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For me, I am learning that thinking (beliefs), although useful for 3 outcomes*, often gets in the way of realizing the connection that is always present when I am observing.  Living in Hawai’i has contributed to trusting my direct experience.

When I go to my direct experience, I do not find any boundary between “me” or “you”.  Instead, I experience “we”.  I notice we live in an interdependent field of mutuality.  As the Hawaiians remind us, “Aloha!  We breath the same air!”
Maybe I can make myself clear if I share my understanding of the “NVC journey”.
Because of the way we have been educated, our NVC journey begins with beliefs like, I am separate from you, and I think or believe, “I feel _______ because you _______.”  (These beliefs seem to me a root of”jackal language patterns that contribute to suffering).
Learning and practicing NVC helped me to get a little closer to the truth of direct experience because it supports conditioning a new belief, “I feel __________ because I need ____________” and because it awakened observing without evaluation and the shared power of making a request.
After about 10 years of NVC (plus about 25 years of other spiritual practice, I discovered a direct experience of “Observing what is actually happening, I am noticing a feeling of ____________ arising from needing ____________, and naturally connect with what I call request energy moving me toward resources to fulfill the need.  (If there is a temporary lack of resources, pain continues to arise, what Marshall called mourning.)
As far as I can tell, this requires no belief, although conceptual thoughts still arise to help me navigate the world.  (For example, “it’s 50 minutes until I board my next flight.”)
So, as far as I can tell at my current level of awakening, no belief is required to navigate the world, any beliefs that arise in me can be observed without believing in them.  Observing is “enough”:
-Observing what arises in the world (Perceiving)
-Observing what arises in the body (Feeling, Sensing)
-Observing what arises in the mind (Thinking, Needing, Requesting)
So, I take a stand as “Giraffe” or Observing Awareness.
*By the way, the three useful strategies for thinking:
1.  Navigating the practical requirements of life, for example. “We don’t have any vegetables in the house.  I guess a stop at the grocery store would be useful!”
2.  Celebration:  Noticing and savoring needs met and unmet in the service of Life.  For example, “I’m feeling grateful I have a roof over my head during this storm!”
3. Awakening, Coaching myself to use skills, integrating new skills and learning.  For example the thought, “Who needs what right now?”
I am grateful for your feedback on what I write here.  I notice vulnerability arising in me, wondering and doubting if words can actually express clearly what I am experiencing.  Please let me know what arises in you as you take in what I write.
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Please” or “Thank You” by Jim Manske

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Marshall Rosenberg taught me that all communication boils down to us saying either “please” or “thank you”.

Seems like most of what “we” post on Facebook or other social media is more the “Thank you” side rather than the “please” side. We celebrate life events, travel experiences, friendships, encounters, workshops, insights, etc.

Exceptions seem to be around health crises we or family members experience, and occasionally other requests for support. I enjoy that balance.

Here comes a “please”.

The other day, I had quite a shock.  Waking up in Shanghai after a restful sleep, my peace shattered when I received an extortion attempt in my email. Someone had hijacked an account name, email address and password, and used that information to attempt to get me to pay a bitcoin ransom to avoid having potentially embarrassing information posted to all my Facebook friends.

It included a convincing and psychologically skillful and manipulative message that sent my nervous system into overdrive, even though my rational mind doubted the ability of the “extorter” to fulfill their threat. My emotional mind responded with anxiety and fear, my body got shaky, my mind raced. I felt such surprise at the emotional reaction!

I sat with my needs-for respect, for choice, for care, to be seen, for love…for clarity about actions I could take to protect myself. I felt all alone. Jori slept peacefully by my side, completely, blissfully unaware of how I had hijacked myself. I did not want to wake her up. I did not want her to freak out like I was freaking out!

My heart finally said, “take action…take any action even if it may or may not help!”

I started changing passwords to online accounts. (This project consumed me for the better part of the day. Who knew how many passwords I had and how potentially linked some accounts are! (I learned “never use the same password twice!”)

I did research to find out what I was up against. I gave myself lots of empathy. I got empathy from Jori, although it took me awhile to be willing to ask.

That was another surprise. (My need in not asking for support was protecting Jori and myself. I had the story that if this was so upsetting for me, it would be upsetting for her, too. If she was upset, then I would be distracted from caring for my own needs. What a tangled web we can weave!)

In my research, I discovered that this kind of threat is common with data breaches. I offer you this information in the hopes it can support your choicefulness if something like this ever happens to you.

https://www.ic3.gov/media/2016/160601.aspx

I hope it doesn’t!

I feel sad thinking that we share the planet with brothers and sisters so desperate to find ways to get their needs met that they would try extortion. It’s a humbling experience to be on the other side of what I interpret as a “power over” intimidation. There is also something surprisingly connecting about our shared vulnerability. Who among us does not have something embarrassing or shameful that we would prefer to be kept private?

It awakens compassion in me for all of our brothers and sisters who receive direct and indirect threats to life, wellbeing or rights everyday. It inspires me to keep working on awakening myself and supporting others to the power of needs-based strategies to find ways to contribute to one another in mutual ways. This update is a strategy to care for all of us.

How is it for you to read this?

Warm aloha from Yantai, China

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Judgment and Insight

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In my experience, I almost always judge a person or situation because I would judge myself in the same way if I behaved that way.
For example, in the culture I grew up in, it was considered impolite to interrupt, that is, to begin speaking before another person finishes.
So, I have created lots of suffering because not everyone was raised in the post-antebellum south. I would judge (and still do sometimes) others who interrupt me or others.
Likewise, when I notice (or another points out) that I have interrupted, I become my own harshest critic.
NVC helps me to soften both judgment and self-judgment by helping me to understand that all behaviors are motivated by needs. Thus, I can humanize “the interruptor”, guessing about their needs to be heard, for connection, for empathy, for engagement. I may not agree with their strategy. I do understand the human, universal needs that motivate their behavior which softens my judgment.
Likewise, when I discover my own behavior, I can meet myself with warmth and connect to the needs I was hoping to meet by interrupting, and from that self-empathy choose how I want to proceed, from now on. This has helped me to develop both patience and discernment. Now I see that the most needs meeting behavior sometimes is to start speaking before another finishes, and that is true for others as well. (Discenrment). I also have learned to appreciate my southern culture and patiently await another finishing if my intuition tells me that will meet the most needs at the least cost.

 

Jim Manske
Certified Trainer, Center for Nonviolent Communication CNVC.org
President, Network for NVC www.networkfornvc.org (a 501(c)(3) tax exempt organization)

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